May 31, 2008 - 9:23 AM.

Soul-searching for sex

I cannot delay being an herbalist any longer. I am too much longing for something new that is only ME in our family. I influence every single thing that happens in this house but I need to do the work that speaks only to me.

You know, re: that last entry, I am feeling less mystical and more practical about all of that now, which led me into some more solution-oriented, self-based thinking. I realize that I am not the only one in our couple who needs plenty of time to let the idea of connecting sexually develop. My man does not respond quickly to being "jumped" any more than I do. When he approaches me, he very often says "I've been thinking about you all day." I always took this as flattering, without thinking about the reflection of his ramp-up time!

So if I am going to approach him, I need to give him a lot more notice -- frankly, tell him about it just as I am going in to put the child to sleep, so he has some time to get used to the idea and get into it. (Once he's into it, we're both good to go.)

Also, I am going to have to positively acknowledge that he enjoys a little porn and would like to add some mutual enjoyment of it to our life. Bless his heart and mine, he has tried once or twice, but my reaction was so shell-shocked that I'm pretty sure he is shy to try again. If I approach him about it and we can seek something out that works for both of us, I think it will make him feel a lot better about enjoying it -- he has actually referred to his enjoyment of erotica as "juvenile" and "lonely," and that is not how I want him feeling about part of his erotic life as a result of my reactions. Especially when I know that when he tried to share with me, he had specifically chosen something he thought I would find interesting -- it really made him feel crappy that I hated it. But again, this was a matter of prior knowledge -- he had been thinking about it for some time, and I just felt blindsided. So -- lots of warning, even set a time so we can both build up some anticipation.

There was a third thing, I'm forgetting it now.

Oh right. I think the time may have finally come in our marriage, where it would be good to be in each other's heads a little more about sex. As in, fantasy-sharing time. I'm always of two minds about this -- on the one hand, sharing can be very powerful and intimate (whether or not they are fantasies that are acted upon); on the other, they are a real generative internal force that thrive on privacy too. But I am ready to open up a little bit about this, and maybe my leading by example will be inspiring to him.

Dang, that's a lot of self-learning wrapped up in one week of missed opportunities! (I'm trying not to think about how much I want access to that butt, but typing all this out is making it very difficult!)

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