January 23, 2007 - 6:54 AM.

The Cody Rivers Show

I can hardly believe it but my husband and I went out on a DATE on Friday!

We had been seriously hampered in the date department since disasters befell all our babysitters early in the fall -- my mother got, you know, the cancer, and my sister was flooded from her apartment when the sprinkler pipes froze and burst. So with both of them out of commission, there was really no way to get completely away for a few hours, and it was starting to show. We were actually a little bit giddy as we drove away from my folks' house.

Well, only I was giddy really, because we had only one ticket for the sold-out event we were hoping to attend, and while I was sure we'd be able to buy a second off somebody in front of the theatre, J. wanted so badly to see the show (I didn't care) that he couldn't allow himself to hope. So he didn't fully perk up until we were (of course!) in possession of that second ticket -- but then he really was happy, and it was a fun afternoon of local sketch comedy. Those guys are committed!

The earlier parts of our date consisted of Thai lunch (at the restaurant voted "Best" in town in this category 2 years in a row, which is unfortunately completely untrue and we should have chosen our old downtown favorite), and -- oh how much we are parents -- vacuuming! Yes, we took this opportunity, with our vacuum-terrified babe out of the house, to properly clean the floors, and we *liked* it! We've been making do with a carpet sweeper, but it is just not the same as picking everything up (him), moving the furniture (us), and sucking the hell out of the carpets with a big blue machine that makes your little son cry (me). I can live for days on that!

Anyway, it's such a cliche, but it really did feel so good to just connect with each other again. Light chat, discussing upcoming projects for us both, trying out a new technique I learned in a class a couple weekends ago, making little jokes for each other -- I knew J. needed this, but I really didn't know how much I did too until after I got it.

This is where girls are supposed to say something about not knowing how they got so lucky, to be in a relationship like this. And I realize there is a certain element of chance in meeting someone in the first place. But even I, proponent of gratitude and chance that I am, will instead take a ton of credit here. J. is a guy for whom consciousness, of self and others, is really important, and I am going to pat myself on the back for recognizing that and for my part in making this relationship a cozy, nurturing, fun place to be. I am not as conscious of certain things as he is, but I do my work too, and it has paid off for us. We both feel loved and cared for, we both get to have fun, and the burden of our lives (emotional, parental, etc) falls on us both, not just one alone. Not that it's ever perfectly balanced, but at least we can talk to each other about it and make each other laugh as we shift it back and forth, lurching down the path!

This all sounds highly self-congratulatory, but I think there's just too much mystique about enjoying your marriage. It all tends to be glassy-eyed about "romance," or very vague, or very brisk and formulaic like "never go to bed fighting," or -- worst -- very bible-thumpy. The only advice I could possibly have for people, after only five married years, is to choose a partner who is willing to show you who he is, willing to talk, willing to try new things, willing to work it out, willing to do something on his own without being asked to every time, interested in you and in his own internal development. Wants to grow, wants to know, wants to show, will hoe his row, I guess. Oh lord, it's a marriage-help book title!

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